my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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