I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
