Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
