Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
