Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
