I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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