if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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