Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
