I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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