yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
