Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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