Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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