Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
