He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have fence marks all over my body
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
