I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
