why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
