I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
