I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
