"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
