Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
