I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We have started to decorate penises.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
