So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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