Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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