Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
