I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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