My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
