well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
