There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
