Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
