i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
