Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
