I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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