I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
