I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
