You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
