I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
