Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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