he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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