Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
