when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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