Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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