what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
