I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
