Need sex. Gaining weight.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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