You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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