I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
