i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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