i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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