you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
