I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
